At Least Hugh Jackman was Jokes...

Well, it happened. 

Against all the opinions of the uber-nerds of IMDB, Slumdog Millionaire has been awarded the highest honor in all of film. How did this happen? Well I'd like to offer some insight on this monumental event.

Firstly, I would like to soften the hatred I conveyed earlier. Slumdog is by no means a horrible film. It has a quasi-interesting love story and a happy ending. Again, nothing wrong with that. The acting is not bad. Obviously, no actors in this film were even nominated for best actor/actress, but hey, no big deal. 

The problem I have with this film is it offered nothing that other films haven't offered in previous years. This film is about as quality as a really good Owen Wilson performance. It is a movie, but it isn't a film. I am having a hard time talking about this without bashing the hell out of it like in my previous review. I am absolutely horrified at where the film industry will go next if mediocre films like Slumdog Millionaire can win the highest and most prestigious awards in film. 

Also, if that wasn't enough to piss me off, every fucking category with a Slumdog nomination fucking won. Even Sound editing. Are you serious. When monumental films such as Wall-E were nominated for this category, how the hell can you justify giving a love story this. Wall-E offered something no other film has, conversation without dialogue. Do you know how hard it must be to make that sound fluid and understandable!?

Lastly, in the ending montage, Slumdog was compared to the film 12 Angry Men, an absolutely genius movie. 

This years Oscars have disappointed me so much so that I will now refuse to accept any nomination from the Academy as a solid basis for review. This has secured a thought that I have have had for a long time. The film industry is slowly turning into the music industry, A massive popularity contest.

Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band vs. Fleet Foxes

Well folks, here it is, the best album of 2008, the self titled album from Omaha's favorite former heroin addict, Conor Oberst (and the Mystic Valley Band). Now I know what you are thinking, why didn't I just go with the easily loved Fleet Foxes masterpiece? Well there is one fundamental difference between these two folk albums. First-off, I would like to commend Fleet Foxes for creating something of such beauty and complexity. Their songs have a certain something that makes you feel as if you had been listening to them for years and their lyrics are nothing short of spectacular. Their subtle background vocals, in songs such as White Winter Hymnal, create a sort of ambience that follows you where ever you go; however, this is the fundamental difference between this album and Oberst's. 

The Bright Eyes lead man simply has more experience with over ten albums and five bands under his belt, his lyrics speak to the listener in ways other artists cannot. He has a way of making you feel as if he wants to let you in on a secret, and he trusts you not to tell, drawing you in with simple melodies and continually complex metaphors relating to religion, politics, philosophy and one anthem in which he refuses to die with out a smoke and a drink in his hand. The simplest ideas can seem al the more complex when written in the language of Oberst. 

To be honest, Fleet Foxes would have clinched this year's best album if only they did not have to contend with the greatness of Oberst. But do yourself a favor, check them both out and don't stop listening until you are satisfied, it is easier than you think to get lost in either album.

Slumdog Million-doll-hair.

With the Oscars quickly approaching, I would like to say a word or two about one of the, dare I say, less deserving films of 2008 Slumdog Millionaire.

To start, the plot was as uneventful as any other episode of who wants to be a millionaire except because of the poor progression of action, I pretty much assumed he was going to win the money and get the girl in the end. This is an all to common conclusion in American film but it is celebrated here simply because we haven't seen a good movie out of India since, well ever. So, he gets the girl, wins the money, and the film wraps up quite nicely but I was left wondering when the interesting parts were going to occur. Then it finally happened, the credits rolled and the best part of the movie was just beginning, a ridiculous Indian dance that makes the entire film all the more laughable.

Why is this film up for best picture? It is culturally diverse, it has good looking actors, and the happy ending makes all the girls love it. (the comment previously left here has been re-thought and thus removed at the request of my fans).

Don't get me wrong, this movie isn't horrible, it is just sad to see a mediocre film up for best picture, especially when great films like 'Wall-E' were pushed aside to make room.

This movie is not by any means good, it is just ordinary. It has been pushed into the Academy Awards by people who know nothing about film other than the fact that it makes them happy when everything is wrapped up with a little bow on top. This movie hasn't done anything monumental or changed film making in any way. If I had to say one positive thing about Slumdog Millionaire it would have to be... hmmm. Ok lets try that again. If I had to say nothing about Slumdog Millionaire I would.

With all of that said, I would like to take this opportunity to offer a much better ending and use for the dance sequence I mentioned earlier. The only thing that needs to be added is add some kind of disease to spice things up. Now this virus is highly contagious and often makes two rival dance crews battle it out for survival in a post apocalyptic subway station. The virus begins by forcing you to look like a fucking idiot in front of millions of people and the scene should start with a shot of where the music comes from. This could easily done by showing someone constantly hitting their head on a garbage can and uttering gibberish until the virus has killed the their chances of ever having an decent acting career. In my opinion this small addition would make more sense than a sudden and unnecessary jump into a bollywood style dance sequence. With this, it may be Oscar worthy after all.

I now present the new and improved ending to Slumdog Millionaire in all its glory, enjoy.